Materialistic Girls' Club

Why is it that guys seem to invent everything useful and cool? I don't mean this as a blanket statement--so no need to bring up Madame Curie--but if the battle of the sexes includes a technological arms race, our side is definitely losing it! The problem is that girls don't always get that sense of awe and wonder at what we are able to achieve and build if we just put our minds to it. We have the same rational abilities as men, and nowadays the benefits of education are equally conferred on us. There is the unharnessed, raw power of the Internet at our disposal if we need any sort of information. I can find a bridesmaid gown online for $19.99--but what have I built lately? What have I contributed to the storehouse of weapons we use to subdue the physical world? Sure, this isn't really important in the grand spiritual scheme of life. However, if everything we do is straw anyway, perhaps some of the straw we leave behind can be gadgets, whatsits, devices that can help with some practical need. Women are great at pinpointing practical needs: we should also be great at solving and resolving them. Let's think of what we can do to come up with something new and original, something that will aid us or others in the humdrum tasks of our lives, and free us up for more fun things, like chatting on the phone with each other or watching a girly movie!

The Impossible Man

This morning as I was driving to work, it struck me: I want an impossible man. I want a man bursting with confidence, the kind of man who really gets things done, a driven, decisive, executive sort; someone, I suppose, who would not only complement me but also exceed me in the things I already do and like to do. This might look something like Mr. Command Man from this list. My friends have told me that someone like this would be ideal, and until now I never questioned it.

I realized, however, the problem is that I also want a man who is sensitive to my needs, who truly cares and will put me first, and who enjoys listening and responding to me on a personal rather than objective level. So far, this is unsurprising--I am a woman, after all. What is surprising, though, is my revelation that the two qualities may not be reconcilable in one person. How can a man be primarily dominant and hard-hitting as well as gentle and loving? Which one do I really want?


In my morning muddle, I looked to real-life examples of men I have known and admired. My father, for instance, does not really go for the jugular, either in business or personal situations. Perhaps because of his height and confident demeanor, he seems like he would be one of your ruthless, executive types, but he's really a lamb in wolf's clothing. In college, I was most drawn not to the professors who would assault the students with the material as if it were a sledgehammer or a nasty surprise round the corner, but rather to the professors who really cared most about my learning and about me as a person. My first professor "crush" was not on the hotshot philosophy professor whom everyone found so dreamy, but instead on one of the more unassuming and humble teachers. Finally, in my work life, I've been blessed to have two bosses who really exhibit an effective servant leadership. The first one definitely was not a commanding personality type, and he was a real joy to work for, as his understated style gave me to focus on the positive rather than negative aspects of the task at hand; on the other hand, my current boss unwittingly fills others' lives with stress with his imperatives. I like him, and can deal with it, but at the same time it's nice to go home at the end of the day.

I skirt the dangers of making a false dichotomy. Nevertheless, it seems that if you are going to live with and be married to a man who is always out conquering the world, you must be prepared to make some sacrifices. This guy will not be home a lot. He will be too tired to remember to bring you flowers. Perhaps the real question to ask is whether I want someone who will make that big of an impact on visible realities. Do I want the man whom people will see as the obvious leader and shaper of things in the world? Or do I want the man who, while doing his best in the world of work and play, fundamentally realizes that the most important things he does are in the spiritual and personal realms? It is a rare man indeed who can embrace his vocation to be a man in every sense, not shirking, shrinking, or deferring unnecessarily; while at the same time realizing that this work he puts himself into so fully is but straw, even on the level of the work to be done in this life, compared to the work of loving and bringing souls to Love. It is difficult to imagine, but as the Angel Gabriel proclaimed to Our Lady, "No word shall be impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

Friendship

It seems there are two levels of friendship. One kind of friend accepts you as you are. This friend reaches out to you and makes no demands of change on your personality. Oftentimes, this will be a person you have known for a long time, such that you feel comfortable being who you are in your interactions with the other, though only to a point. Somehow, despite the mutual affirmation, there is a barrier that prevents the friendship from ever seeming full or round. This may not be due to a fault in either party; nevertheless, it remains the case that circumstances only allow them this type of connection.

On the other hand, the second level of friendship involves a stretching. While remaining very comfortable with this friend, at the same time you cannot remain static in your personality in order for the friendship to bear fruit. This does not mean that the friendship demands that you change who you are (that would make it no kind of friendship at all), but rather that the friendship does not allow you to grow complacent with yourself. In a way, your friend reaches out to you not simply where you are right now but also where you are going to be. This friend will accept your current state, and in fact accept it all the more deeply because of its orientation towards the future. At the same time, however, and without conscious effort, your friend encourages and challenges you to become a better and fuller you. Another aspect of this second kind of friendship is that the dynamism is mutual: one is not stretched more than another, but both grow in innumerable and complementary ways. Indeed, all friendship requires a growth in charity, yet the second kind sounds almost to the depths of the two friends' hearts. To use a common expression, the two "grow together"--and continue growing. The gift of this friendship is immeasurably valuable and necessary to us as we journey towards our true end.

The Weight Question

Let me start by stating the obvious: this is a very sensitive issue! It's so sensitive, in fact, that it becomes a bit of a problem to decide what to say and what not to say on the question of what we should do about what we weigh. I think a couple first principles will come in handy here:

1. You are beautiful. This axiom comes first because it is most fundamental. You have to understand it before you continuing this discussion. That means, if you have an eating disorder of any kind, you need to stop reading now. I mean it. Go back to square one, look in the mirror, and realize you are beautiful.

2. Your health is more important than what you weigh. Stop tuning this statement out. I know we hear it over and over, but does it really sink in or do we just pass over it with a perfunctory mental "of course"? In fact, this key principle is very much tied into the first principle (you are beautiful), because after realizing your beauty and goodness your response should be a healthy love for your body, which implies certain demands. If you just want to lose weight to look more attractive, without regard to your ultimate state of health and vigor, you are a shallow person! You need to be willing to make legitimate changes to your diet in order to improve your health.

Having mastered these two principles perfectly, we are now ready to move on to some particular questions:

Do I Look Fat?

Yes. The answer is always yes to the person who's asking. If you are looking for fat on your body, chances are you can find it. It seems twisted, but even the thinnest people don't complain about being too thin--they claim to see fat somewhere on their slight and emaciated frames! So, the experience of feeling fat is universal. Moreover, it's also completely irrelevant. I say it is irrelevant because it is an emotional reaction. If you want to change something about yourself, you won't be able to do it based on emotional outbursts: your wahhhh, I'm faaaat feeling won't see you through daily jogs or cutting back on portions. Rather, you do it based on objective analysis and positive planning.

How Much Should I Weigh?

After careful analysis and research on the subject, the consensus is that the perfect weight for all women is 124.5 lbs.

. . . no!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no number. It is entirely relative. I'm sure we all know that 140 lbs on one woman can look completely different on another woman, even if their respective heights are similar. Obviously, there are all different kinds of body types so that it is impossible to come up with an ideal weight. Scales are useless. I'm also not going to tell you to go to a doctor if you are perfectly healthy with no medical conditions--what a waste of time! Frankly, I don't know what you should weigh; it's something you are going to have to decide. You will find, however, that if you come up with an unrealistic number, the scale will become even more useless than it already is. If you want a general guide, try a Body Mass Index Calculator. If you come up as within normal weight, you really don't have to lose any weight at all if you don't want to, so don't worry about it and just keep principle #2 in mind.

How Can I Lose Some Weight for the Christmas Holiday?

Ok, now that we have gotten the boring stuff out of the way, this is the part where I get to subject you to my Magical Weight Loss Tips for Instant Success and Complete Insanity!

• Exercise! Just do something, it doesn't matter what. I read a tip today that said to park at the farthest spot at work and at the grocery store to make yourself walk more. Whatever you do, don't make it nothing.
  
• No Sugar. It all depends how much you want it. If you really do want to lose some weight, this will work: just don't eat any refined sugar at all for a month. It's a good discipline, too. See if you can make it work.
  
• Drink Water Only. Self-explanatory.
  
• Laugh more. Laughing works an incredibly important muscle in the inner stomach that causes swifter food digestion and processing leading to immediate leanness in the entire lower body. Highly recommended.
  
• Whole grains. Whole grains make you happy. Seriously, the wonderful thing about whole grains is that they really are good for your digestive system, providing needed fiber that works almost as well as laughter. Plus, they feel more satisfying than refined grains, so that you don't need to eat as much.
  
• Eat first more, then less. No one is going to lose weight if he does not eat breakfast. So if you don't eat breakfast, you're going to have to start out by adding this meal--eating more. Then, try to eat smaller portions at your other meals; don't have seconds--eat less.
  
• Don't eat out. Making your own meals is a modern necessity. I have found no good way to eat out without eating too much, except to go to nicer, more expensive restaurants that have small portions. Even then, though, dessert can be so tempting. The best thing is to avoid restaurants altogether. If you have to eat out, try your best only to eat half of your entree and box up the other half. I usually fail at this, but it's worth a shot.
  

All this is not rocket science, but to many of us it's way more important and pertinent. :-) I don't know how to show people how to eat healthy foods. People often remark that my meals look healthy and good. My advice is just not to eat junk and gross foods (see list below). I don't want to focus overly on the negative, but it often does happen that once you cut certain foods you end up replacing them with healthy alternatives. Start craving your veggies.

Junk and Gross Foods
French fries
Donuts
Soft drink
Pork rinds
Chicken-fried steak
Deep-fried Twinkies
Twinkies
Root beer float
Chips that leave colored powder on your fingers
Potato chips
Whipped topping
Things that come in boxes from the cookie aisle
Frosted cake
Arby's

That's the end.

Confidence

A lady should never diminish her confidence and sparkle for a man, nor for any other reason. For some, this principle need not be stated. Many women, however, find it a struggle to maintain their confidence amid difficult situations and emotional pulls. Confidence indeed is an elusive quality. You cannot gain it by trickery or by a handy mnemonic device (believe me, I've tried!). Nevertheless, confidence is a quality most central to our feminine vocation.

We can never stand still--we either progress in our lives or regress. For that reason, ladies must pay special attention to their own dignity and important role. A friend of mine remarked, "I'm so sick of all those femininity talks; all they do is say, 'You're a woman, yay!'" While it is true that we have to be careful to keep our reflections on femininity taut and to-the-point, at the same time there's a real sense in which repeated affirmation does help us. We need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how lovely and wonderful we really are. Of course, this means seeing ourselves from God's perspective, a difficult task.

Once we have that vision, however, confidence follows. Confidence follows from prayer. Even if we could have confidence without God, it would be vain. We would rush to build and to preserve vain things. We would easily be trapped in pride of material possessions and physical beauty. This is not true confidence. Confidence means to confide, to confide in God. From Psalm 83 we read, Beatus homo, qui sperat in te--blessed is the man that trusteth in Thee.

Coming back to how we live out confidence, we can remember that we are not frustrated. At some point, everyone feels a bit frustrated. When this happens, we see that some people are ready to play to our weaknesses. We must resist these people--true friends play to our strengths--and pray for them as well as for ourselves. Confidence is all about retaining control: not control of a situation, for that is almost always impossible, but self-control. To stay confident, simply keep in mind these words of Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." You have been given the abilities to enact beauty, to bring peace, to shower love; these tools are at your disposal at every moment, like arrows in the archer's quiver. Once you realize your gifted power, and live and breathe as God's precious one, you can exude the confidence that will make God and man alike smile for joy.